I thought about creating a different blog for a moment but changed my mind. The people that I don't want to see this don't ever look at any of my blog
my poems or blogs ever cause they never pay attention to me.
Sometimes I feel like a pay check or a piece of furniture. Here for when someone needs anything but otherwise I am unseen or heard. But man if they only knew what is in my head. I am tired of it all. I am tired of this life. He has killed me inside. You hurt me at the worst time of my life then fall apart even more so I have to stand up and keep us both afloat. It seems it is always you -you - you. What about me?
I know furniture. Be useful that's all. If I ever feel like breaking if I ever am sad you get mad. Why can't I ever let it out. Why is everything I feel not allowed. You wont let me talk you wont let me speak about it. It is devouring me from the inside.
I think maybe you were right we should not be together. I think you were wrong then but now we are so apart and you close me out and wont let me be me. Maybe I will move on. I am dead inside anyway. I can't grasp that feeling of love anymore. It's gone.
I am sorry you started this. You made it what it is and don't fix what u broke. You ignore it and leave it festering. I am so hurt.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tired
Our new place is pretty nice. I am still angry with my old landlord for what they did. I am trying to let go of my anger but I also wish they would have something bad happen to them well at least something similar. Well at least the false accusations.
We have laws for a reason. If only they followed it and went by the law. Right now I am a little scared about money. I wish I could just have some luck for once.
I wish I was not so tired everyday from work and my feet were not so swollen. Their is a lot of health issues I have that I keep to my self.
Tonight I am just so tired and full of wish for things to be different. Maybe it will be one day. It would be nice if people at home would help a little.
I feel so unappreciated tonight and even more so at work.
Sighhhh!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
People watching
You know Jerry Seinfeld had it so right when he talked about people.
I see so many different people at work, I can't help but laugh.
I get the mumblers at work. They mumble everything they say and i have to keep saying excuse me what was that?
You also get the low talkers. It's like they only have so much air that they talk softly or they will run out.
Then you have they cowboys, with their yes ma'am and funny sayings. I seem to pick up a lot of their quirky words. This of course causes my family to laugh at me and tell me I been living in a small town too long. I guess everyone don't say things like " that don't cream my corn" and "wow that will pop the corn right off his cob".
It's not just words and tones.
There is the drummers. They hand you their money and even thou it takes you seconds really to give them their change they start drumming on the counter as if it's been a lifetime.
With that comes the " I am in a hurry people" they give you dirty looks while they wait in line. Like it's your fault the person checking out is taking so long to punch in their pin number for debit. Or when you are not right their behind the counter when they are ready. They are so gruff with you. What they don't understand is I have other things to do besides stand their waiting for someone. It only takes a second for me to walk over there be patient and yes guess what I do to use the bathroom. You may find that once in awhile I do need to go their and yes it will take me a few minutes cause yes I do wash my hands. Really would you want it any other way.
What I can stand is the just roll out of bed people. I often wonder how people can go to the store in pajama's not comb their hair and even worse not brush their teeth. I wonder a lot would it be rude to keep mints by me and offer them to them so I don't need to hold my breath so long.
Next I think we go over the people who can't hand you their money right. I mean really do you think reaching in to your pocket and throwing dollar bills all balled up is nice. Yet you give me looks because I am wasting your time trying to un crumple them. If you are in such a hurry be prepared and please hand me the money don't throw it on the counter especially one by one. I wonder what you would do if I returned your change the same way.
The big tippers are next in line or lack their of anyway. I mean I know I am not getting tips for ringing you up, but please with that don't say you can keep the penny for your tip. Just ask me to put it in the penny plate and not all it my tip or big tip with a laugh. While speaking of tips when you play the slots I know tips are optional. But please when you win 6000.00 really you should tip even a few dollars would be nice.
Last but not least is the ignores. You come in ignore me as if I don't exists. You either talk on your cell , with people you are with or even worse no one or anything to distract you yet you still don't say a word. I say hi how are you today you say nothing. I say is this all for you and you say nothing still. Finally I ask debit or credit today you don't even answer that. Do you know how rude that is I guess you are too important to acknowledge my presence.
Well I am done ranting now, at least people watching makes the day a little funner. Well just a little!
I see so many different people at work, I can't help but laugh.
I get the mumblers at work. They mumble everything they say and i have to keep saying excuse me what was that?
You also get the low talkers. It's like they only have so much air that they talk softly or they will run out.
Then you have they cowboys, with their yes ma'am and funny sayings. I seem to pick up a lot of their quirky words. This of course causes my family to laugh at me and tell me I been living in a small town too long. I guess everyone don't say things like " that don't cream my corn" and "wow that will pop the corn right off his cob".
It's not just words and tones.
There is the drummers. They hand you their money and even thou it takes you seconds really to give them their change they start drumming on the counter as if it's been a lifetime.
With that comes the " I am in a hurry people" they give you dirty looks while they wait in line. Like it's your fault the person checking out is taking so long to punch in their pin number for debit. Or when you are not right their behind the counter when they are ready. They are so gruff with you. What they don't understand is I have other things to do besides stand their waiting for someone. It only takes a second for me to walk over there be patient and yes guess what I do to use the bathroom. You may find that once in awhile I do need to go their and yes it will take me a few minutes cause yes I do wash my hands. Really would you want it any other way.
What I can stand is the just roll out of bed people. I often wonder how people can go to the store in pajama's not comb their hair and even worse not brush their teeth. I wonder a lot would it be rude to keep mints by me and offer them to them so I don't need to hold my breath so long.
Next I think we go over the people who can't hand you their money right. I mean really do you think reaching in to your pocket and throwing dollar bills all balled up is nice. Yet you give me looks because I am wasting your time trying to un crumple them. If you are in such a hurry be prepared and please hand me the money don't throw it on the counter especially one by one. I wonder what you would do if I returned your change the same way.
The big tippers are next in line or lack their of anyway. I mean I know I am not getting tips for ringing you up, but please with that don't say you can keep the penny for your tip. Just ask me to put it in the penny plate and not all it my tip or big tip with a laugh. While speaking of tips when you play the slots I know tips are optional. But please when you win 6000.00 really you should tip even a few dollars would be nice.
Last but not least is the ignores. You come in ignore me as if I don't exists. You either talk on your cell , with people you are with or even worse no one or anything to distract you yet you still don't say a word. I say hi how are you today you say nothing. I say is this all for you and you say nothing still. Finally I ask debit or credit today you don't even answer that. Do you know how rude that is I guess you are too important to acknowledge my presence.
Well I am done ranting now, at least people watching makes the day a little funner. Well just a little!
Bleach my mind!
Do you ever want to pour bleach on your brain?
Erase all the bad memories?
Things that sneak up in the stillness and replay over and over.
Creating a tidal wave of doubt and pain.
A small voice is screaming to change your thoughts, start thinking of something else.
But the pain already has it's hold.
It's black grip with a tight hold.
It's friend Sadness come bursting in to take over the whole body.
Creating a river of tears to hold all the sorrow.
Where did my self worth go?
Where it the warm embrace of love.
Did you see who turned off the lights?
Why is there only darkness in my world.
I know I should flip that light switch back on.
But I can't cause here comes more thoughts.
It knocks me down stealing the breath from my lungs.
I feel forever lost in the darkness.
Forever sad.
Who I was is gone.
Who I want to be had died.
Erase all the bad memories?
Things that sneak up in the stillness and replay over and over.
Creating a tidal wave of doubt and pain.
A small voice is screaming to change your thoughts, start thinking of something else.
But the pain already has it's hold.
It's black grip with a tight hold.
It's friend Sadness come bursting in to take over the whole body.
Creating a river of tears to hold all the sorrow.
Where did my self worth go?
Where it the warm embrace of love.
Did you see who turned off the lights?
Why is there only darkness in my world.
I know I should flip that light switch back on.
But I can't cause here comes more thoughts.
It knocks me down stealing the breath from my lungs.
I feel forever lost in the darkness.
Forever sad.
Who I was is gone.
Who I want to be had died.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Utopia
It's funny that Mel is suppose to create a Utopia for school. It's funny because Mel and I were already talking about the perfect world. I been playing around with writing a book. I had a dream one night and started to write it out. Please no I am not really expecting to write a book and get it published it's just for fun. Anyway it's my Utopia. I call the people in this new world Kissmay's they are like us but also very different. In this world everyone is connected by what I call heart waves. Everyone feels what each other is feeling, because all negative feels hurt everyone else cause the feel the pain too. The have evolved to all postitive world with no hate, anger, war. Of course they are lacking something that is why they came to earth and the Prince of Kissmay fell in love with Lily. She is the one to balance their world. There is alot more to it and at Mel's request some drama and conflict. She said it would not be worth reading without conflict. So we came up with some and we had so much fun inventing creatures and names of people. We even used some animals from Earth so to say. Like Unicorns and Mermaids. They came to Kissmay cause they were so fragile and simular to the Kissmay people. The war's and hate on Earth drove them away.
Yep we got really into it.
-Lavenderose
Yep we got really into it.
-Lavenderose
Little Angel
Little angel sitting on a cloud can you see me? Can you feel me?
Little angel sitting on the cloud how I miss you, how I am lost without you.
You were so small and so young yet your soul was so big as well as your heart. I never knew the impact you had on me, on your family and the world. Its hard to say goodbye. I don't want to ever say goodbye.
Little angel sitting on a cloud. My world is dark and grey. Can you see the light from where you are? If so shine a little ray down on me.
Little angel sitting on a cloud are you happy? Is your world up there as beautiful as they say? Please come whisper in my ear at night and tell me what you see and feel give me comfort in your peace.
Little angel sitting on a cloud do you run free and explore the world? Can you see wonders your eyes can not believe. I hope so please do not worry about us be free.
Little angel sitting on a cloud it was so hard to see you so still. I not only remember but I still feel it on my hand your little spirit that was you had left you only left your shell. I know I must be grateful that God took you so quickly. In the blink of an eye. I only wish I could of said goodbye. Would it of helped me? I wish I could of said what I feel in my heart one last time but I would never wish you to suffer so I could so I am ok not ever saying goodbye.
Little angel sitting on a cloud can you hear me? Can you read my mind there is so much inside there that I am not ready to say outloud. I am not ready to say goodbye even thou I know I must. Do you feel what's inside my heart. Do you see it is breaking and I am not the strong mom you thought you had. My little angel I miss you. I love you. You are so special to me.
Little angel do you know I can still see you. I have not forgotten anything I loved about you. Even your freaky toes, your freckles, your small hands, your big brown puppy dog eyes. I hear your laugh and see you smile. I miss your touch and your hugs. I miss cuddling on the couch and laying my head on you.
My little angel on a cloud find peace where you are and don't worry about me I will be alright. Just know I love you more than you ever will know. Save a spot for me on your cloud so one day we can cuddle again ok.
Your my forever angel on a cloud!
-Kim Anderson
Little angel sitting on the cloud how I miss you, how I am lost without you.
You were so small and so young yet your soul was so big as well as your heart. I never knew the impact you had on me, on your family and the world. Its hard to say goodbye. I don't want to ever say goodbye.
Little angel sitting on a cloud. My world is dark and grey. Can you see the light from where you are? If so shine a little ray down on me.
Little angel sitting on a cloud are you happy? Is your world up there as beautiful as they say? Please come whisper in my ear at night and tell me what you see and feel give me comfort in your peace.
Little angel sitting on a cloud do you run free and explore the world? Can you see wonders your eyes can not believe. I hope so please do not worry about us be free.
Little angel sitting on a cloud it was so hard to see you so still. I not only remember but I still feel it on my hand your little spirit that was you had left you only left your shell. I know I must be grateful that God took you so quickly. In the blink of an eye. I only wish I could of said goodbye. Would it of helped me? I wish I could of said what I feel in my heart one last time but I would never wish you to suffer so I could so I am ok not ever saying goodbye.
Little angel sitting on a cloud can you hear me? Can you read my mind there is so much inside there that I am not ready to say outloud. I am not ready to say goodbye even thou I know I must. Do you feel what's inside my heart. Do you see it is breaking and I am not the strong mom you thought you had. My little angel I miss you. I love you. You are so special to me.
Little angel do you know I can still see you. I have not forgotten anything I loved about you. Even your freaky toes, your freckles, your small hands, your big brown puppy dog eyes. I hear your laugh and see you smile. I miss your touch and your hugs. I miss cuddling on the couch and laying my head on you.
My little angel on a cloud find peace where you are and don't worry about me I will be alright. Just know I love you more than you ever will know. Save a spot for me on your cloud so one day we can cuddle again ok.
Your my forever angel on a cloud!
-Kim Anderson
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)